Some songs

Songs that I have a love-hate relationship with:

All I Have to do is Dream- Everly Brothers
Hold Your Hand- The Beatles
Power of Love- Huey Lewis
Sorry About That- Alkaline Trio
Just Wait- Blues Traveler
A Thousand Years- Christina Perri
Fix You- Coldplay
Turning Page- Sleeping at Last (Especially this one)
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Johnny B Goode- Chuck Berry
Lighter- Eminem
Over You- Miranda Lambert
A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton
My Love is Your Love- Whitney Houston
Starlight- Muse
At Last- Etta James
All You Need is Love- The Beatles
Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron and Wine
Just My Imagination- The Temptations
Firework- Katy Perry
Always on my Mind- Elvis
One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

Jersey Girl

So, I made the first visit up to New Jersey. My soon to be new home state. The first night was pretty intense. I arrived around 9:30 pm, and could see the whole city lit up. It was very overwhelming pulling in to the gate on the plane, knowing that this was going to be my new home. Things felt better when Shane picked me up, seeing him just reassured everything for me and I knew it was going to be great. But making the drive to his apartment, with all of the traffic and all of the noise just shook me. I had a pretty big breakdown when we got to his place, called Daniel crying, he calmed me down and made me feel a little better. He said "yes it's different, it's not bad, just different." It helped. After that, just being able to spend all that time with Shane just really made everything worth it. The thought of getting to do that all the time makes me so happy I can hardly stand it! I wanted to get out and explore a little on Friday while he was working, but it rained pretty much all day. Saturday we went into Hoboken and had dinner and walked around. I really loved it there, I would love to live there one day. I thought that when I move up in December, I would be moving in with him where he is now, but come to find out, they don't allow pets. Of course, my puppies are my life and so that will not work for me. I have been looking for a different place, and actually already found one today that I love. I hope everything goes well and I can secure it in the next few days. I think it will be a lot better anyway, I wasn't really looking forward to having to live with him and his friend and fiance. That's a bit much for me and my pups. So I'm glad it will just be the two of us and the pups.

I'm not feeling scared about going anymore. I am really glad I got to go up there this past weekend. Being with him just feels so right and I know this is what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be. I think I will adjust very easily to living there, as I already began to this weekend. I look forward to going back in a month, having my car and being able to really explore the new city. As sad as I am to be leaving, my happiness for going overrides that.

Matthew- I wish you could see it. You would love it up there. I feel like you should have lived in a big city, living your crazy and exciting life. It makes me sad that you never got to experience something like that. In a way, I am doing this because you never got to. It's kind of like through me, you can experience it too. You are on my mind, as always.

My southern roots

Okay, so I decided to construct a list of the things I will miss the most:

family
the carlotto's
mimi (yes, you are that special you get your own line)
my fm friends
fmhs tennis
jump in java
red bowl egg rolls
portofino dates with daniel
sweet tea with lemon (makes me cry just thinking of not having it)
knowing someone literally everywhere I go
my adorable house
daytime dates with becky and the twins
ease of driving
hearing country music everywhere
all things charleston
lazy bear lodge
boone/blowing rock
fenced in backyard
southern accents (not mine, because apparently I have a midwestern sort of accent??)
my fort mill bubble in general
the greenway
southpark mall
ayrsley
the bump in the road in front of the peach stand

I am sure I am missing tons of things, but I will add more when I think of them

Defying Gravity

Well here I am, 8.5 months later and I am still alive. Alive and happy. There is so much going on in life right now I feel like I can't even stop to take a breath. Shane got a great job opportunity in New Jersey and moved there about a month ago. I will be moving there to join him at the end of the year. I have so much excitement but am also scared to death. I have been in the Fort Mill area since I was 8 years old. 20 years. My whole life revolves around Fort Mill. To some that may sound horribly boring, but I am one of those that absolutely loves it here. I love the Fort Mill family that has existed and only grown over the years. Maybe I should start with how excited I am to be moving. Okay, well not really about moving, but about being able to be with Shane and actually have a full on, everyday, in person relationship. The thought of getting to see him everyday makes me so giddy and happy inside, my little heart just overflows. I would never be able to sum up how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. This is it. I just know it. I wish everyone could find someone as amazing as he is. I am so very and truly lucky to have found him.

But yes, I am terrified to be leaving Fort Mill and all that goes with it. Not having my family so close and not being with Logan and Megan everyday pretty much breaks my heart. The thought of leaving my two "kids", is something I don't think I will ever be okay with. I am so afraid of what Logan is going to think when I am gone. "Why did she leave us?", "Did I do something to make her leave?", "Does she still love us?". These are the questions that break my heart to think about. Not being here everyday to see them grow up and change, not being able to spend Christmas with them, and not being able to know that no matter how bad of a day I may be having, I can always count on them to get a running start and give me the biggest hug ever, knocking me over. I break down just thinking of it. How will I go without being able to see my mom and Angela everyday? Not being able to call one of them up and go to Target or Kohls. Not going grocery shopping every Sunday with Angela, not having lunch every week with mom. Not having the two people who know me best and love me the most right around the corner. I don't know how I will do without them. Then of course there is the fact of leaving Daniel. Someone who was brought into my life as a brother in law, but will always remain a best friend and also a true brother. There are so many times in my life that he has been there for me, without me having to ask, he just knows what to do and does it. He is the greatest man I know and I am so proud of who he has become. He is there for me regardless of anything, he would do anything for me and I for him. I feel like just when everything was getting back to normal with dad, Linda and Jackson being here, I am the one leaving. I am so grateful that our relationships have grown and that we are all so close. I couldn't ask for a better step mom (or step dad in Jim), and it hurts me so much that I will be missing out on Jackson.

I make it sound like I am leaving forever to a foreign country! I know I am not, I just am so used to having all I need right at my fingertips and now that I am leaving it all, I just really want to embrace it while I can.

Matthew- there are some days where I think of you and smile so much because of some silly memory I have thought out. Then there are still those days where I hear a song, see a movie, or pretty much anything that reminds me of you and I just lose it. I miss you so much my angel. But I know that you are watching me and are so proud of me and happy for me. That's all you ever told me you wanted, was just for me to smile and be happy. Well puddin, I am. I really am.

You put your arms around me and I'm home

So much is going on right now. I have felt so restless with several aspects of my life and something big just happened that I think might just be what I am looking for. It's been a really long time since I was this happy in a relationship. I know that sounds horrible, but I mean it in the sense that I am not worried about anything. There isn't anything about him that worries me for the future or if he is "stable" or overcoming struggles of his own. There is a certain feeling of safety and comfort in that. It's very stress free. Which is nice. We have come so far since meeting, I feel like it's been so long. Not more than a few hours go by everyday that we don't talk- not text, but actually talk on the phone. We do that for at least 2 or 3 hours everyday, which sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it's awesome. I never thought I would fall in love so hard and fast and real. It's not just the excitement of it all. We are so similar. It seems like everything I say I like or don't like, he is the exact same. Except for food of course:) We have the same type of upbringing and the same future goals and wants in life. I could talk about him all day long! The way he talks to me, tells me how he feels, even how he holds me makes me know it's the real thing. Its like when we hug we can't get close enough, it's a real hug, not just a "I feel obligated to hug you, so here it is". It really makes me understand all those crazy people who have been caught up in whirlwind romances, who love each other so much after such a short time period. I get it. I really get it now. I guess since we do talk a whole lot, it does make more sense. I know most people who start dating, probably talk a few times a week. Not for hours everyday. I just want to be with him all the time, I would go anywhere and do anything for him. I feel like I have been through so much, that this is my happy ending. And with everything that is up in the air right now, I am really excited and hopeful that it goes as planned and that people will understand and be excited. Life is about taking chances, especially when it comes to love. And like Bella says in my favorite Twilight quote- "I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." That I am:)

SMR

Matthew- so much has happened in the past 2 and a half months since I last wrote. I have come to accept that you are gone and not coming back. I have begun to realize that there are things in this world that you simply cannot control or understand. I guess in a way some things are just meant to happen, no matter how much they hurt us. There is always a new day to follow that will hopefully get a little brighter and brighter. I still have many days where I break down and cry and cry and cry. I still miss you everyday, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you and that you are watching over me and always being my protector. I read a book about a little boy who went to Heaven for 3 minutes and could describe it all. I watched a few videos on similar occurances too. Things like this give me faith that you are okay. Your birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I am very much not looking forward to this day. And then of course my birthday is a couple weeks after that.

On a different note- I think I found him. Matthew, I am terrified. I never thought that someone would feel this way about me or that I would feel this way about someone other than you. That is the main thing I have struggled with. The fact that you were so crazy about me and scared I wouldn't have that again. But I do. I do, and it terrifies me. I'm scared that I feel this way, I'm scared that means you and I weren't unique, I just don't know what it all means. I just want to sit and cry because I am so happy, yet so scared and saddened. He is so similar to you in how he talks to me and treats me. I think you two could have been good friends and that makes me happy. I think this is it.

Turning Page

Today is not a good day. Megan is being quite cranky, and she's beginning to hit. She actually punched me in the face yesterday. Not cool. There are so many things that I want to tell you. I'm beginning to realize just how incredible you were. Not that I didn't before, but I guess I'm just learning from new experiences how one of a kind you were. Even though your constant attention on me bugged me sometimes, I know now that not everyone is like that. I treasure that you were so loving and vocal about it. What a lot of people don't realize is that I didn't only lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We really were one of those couples who were best friends. I miss just being able to talk to you about everything and anything.

I really do miss you, every day, every second.

"If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
I would have know, what I was living for all along,
What I've been living for"

Goodbye My Lover

I will always love you, no matter how hard you to tried to shut me out. I know it's not your fault. M&M

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

lies

I feel like I'm starting to lose my faith in people. When I thought you taught me about honesty, I have learned you taught me about secrecy and how to lie. I'm finding it very hard to want to trust someone again at the fear they will lie to me like you did. How am I supposed to know what's the truth? I just want to push everyone away right now. I'm not ready to open up. I feel too betrayed.

Fearless

Well, it's been a month since I last wrote anything. Matthew, you know that doesn't mean I think about you any less or feel heartbroken any less. I guess I'm just trying to get things back on track. I finally feel like I'm making good progress in this situation. I'm enjoying my life around me. I love having all of my friends back, and getting even closer to Mimi. It makes me really happy that she and Angela have become good friends too. I have an amazing family/puppies, awesome friends, a perfect job, and a house that I love. With all the heartache I've had to endure, I now realize just how lucky I really am. What we had was perfect and beautiful. I will forever love you and cannot wait until the day when I see you again. But I know I have to keep going on. I have to keep my head up and carry on. Just like Tupac taught me. I want you to know that I'm ok. I will continue to be ok. And most of all, that I love you. And that's the truth.

Dear World

Dear World,
I want you all to understand that what I'm going through is not something that should be overlooked or thought carelessly of. You cannot imagine the amount of sadness and fear that I feel every single day. Even on the days that I smile and seem ok, Matthew is always there as my main thought. I think I've just become really good at acting like I'm fine. There is no amount of words, hugs, books, shared tears, or anything else that will make me feel better or make me feel like I can really go on without him. I know it's easy to say "oh you're young, you will be ok". Words are so easy. I want to punch those people in the face who say meaningless stuff like that. Because they just don't get it. There have been so many amazing people that have tried with all they have to make me feel better, and I do greatly appreciate them. But then there are those who disregard it and think I should be moving on and getting over it. It's like they're shocked when I say that everyday is a bad day. Like I'm only allowed to be sad for one day a week or something. When those people come to me with their petty problems like having a bad day at work or those having stupid girlfriend/boyfriend problem, I don't care. I'm allowed to be selfish right now, I'm ALLOWED. I don't need to hear about your silly nonimportant problems. Don't you see that my world have been ripped apart and I too am falling apart at the seams. For those people that are in a relationship or married, you can only begin to imagine what it feels like. But even then, you never understand how your everyday, every minute, every second is forever changed. Especially because it was so sudden and we had so much love in our marriage. I honestly can't think of anyone that loved another person as much as Matthew loved me. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I'm saying it because it's true. Most people didn't get to see the real Matthew, the sweet, silly, gentle, child loving, weird, cheek kissing, rap singing, perfect Matthew. For those that did, you get it. You know that there's no one like him and how amazing he was. I just want people to know that I will never be the same. My support group talks about a new normal. That's what I'm going to be. Not the old normal me, but a new normal. Not better or worse. Just new. There are so many questions I have that will never be answered, I feel so much regret, anger, sadness, fear, emptiness. Every single emotion out there, I feel it. So when those bad moments come, and they come often, just know that they will pass. But in the process, just let it happen. I know there is a social stigma related to young widows. Will I ever be loved again? What do people think of me? What do they say about me? I know no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did. I know that. I guess I just want people to try to grasp what I'm going through and even though you can't relate or begin to understand, just know that there's nothing harder. So be nice to me. Most everyone is, this isn't directed at anyone. Just putting it out there for when it happens. When I flip out, be nice. When I cry, be nice. When I get angry for no reason, be nice. When I forget something or forget to do something, be nice. I would never wish this loss on anyone in the world. Just give me my time and let me try to heal in my own way. Don't rush me or assume that because I smile, I'm over it and healed. Think of me everyday and how much pain I'm in. Just try to get it.

You haven't seen the last of me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/cher-you-havent-seen-the-last-of-me-lyrics.html

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But i’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

3 months

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.” -the notebook

A lot has happened since my last entry. I was given the death certificate and found out the cause. It was perhaps the 3rd hardest day I've ever had. The first was the day you left me, the second was the day we celebrated you and now this. I never imagined it was this. I have so many feelings- anger, sadness, hopelessness. So many questions that will never be answered. I want to know how, why, how long, why, why, why. I have since discovered that there you had to have been tricked into something you didn't know was happening. I know you aren't stupid. I'm so thankful my hopes were believed that it was an accident. But then, does that really make it any better? To know that when you woke up, you were in Heaven thinking "what the hell just happened, where's Mel". And having to look down on me falling apart. 

I've started going to a support group with Angela every Tuesday. It's amazing how much better I feel afterwards. To be with people who have also lost the love of their life is very comforting for me. We talk about the many emotions we are going through. From anger, sadness, regret, being pissed at the world, selfishness, hurt, everything. I regret so many things with you. I regret that I wasn't firmer with your addiction healing and going to your meeting. I regret things I said to you on our last day. I regret not traveling more with you. I regret not having the same schedules and being able to spend every second together. I regret being so blind the past year about your addiction and not seeing what was right in front of me. I regret not telling you every single second of every minute how much I love you and how you are the love of my life and the reason for my existence in life. 

Saturday was 3 months. We all went to Granny's for her 80's birthday. It was a really great party. I always love being with your family, they're all so amazing. Isabel is pregnant again and everyone kept talking about grandchildren and how they can't wait for Mimi and Matt to have kids. I just felt so alone and out of place. That should have been you and I. There are many days that I wish I had gotten pregnant only to have that piece of you remaining to hold on to forever. But I can't imagine how much harder this would be to go through knowing I was having a child without you here with me. I know everything happens for a reason, I just think it's really fucked up sometimes. Saturday afternoon was not so great. I layed on all of your clothes and hysterically cried and screamed. That night got better. Brady, Cory, Jay, Katie, Steph, and Liz came over. I always feel better when I'm with all of them. We looked at all of my yearbooks and looked at your Kindergarten picture. You were so cute! Writing to you has also made me feel a lot better. I feel like you're right here reading along as I write. I know you can hear what I'm saying. 

I had a pretty bad day today. I got some bad news from the life insurance and wanted to leave work early and Aimee was kind of mean to me about it. Like I really needed her to be mean when I was obviously having a really horrible day. I talked to my friend David tonight and he made me feel better. I don't know if you knew him. We've been talking for the past 2 months. He's been really great and always makes me feel happier after we talk. I was hoping to hang out with Brady but Brantley is in town and the family went out tonight. It's ok though, someone always helps me through when I start to get really down. I just wish you were here. Forever.

Come Sail Away

I want to call you everyday. Many times during the day as we used to. I don't think we ever went more than a few hours without calling each other. I heard on the radio that a new Friday movie is coming out. That was the first time that I realllly wanted to tell you something. As lame as that sounds. I just knew how excited you would be to hear that. I promise you I will see it. We went to the mountains this weekend. I so wish you were there. It was such a great getaway to be able to just spend time with everyone and relax. Cory and I had a really good talk Friday night. We talked about you and how much we love and miss you. Just to be able to share that with someone is so comforting. Of course I have had many talks like that with Brady. I know you would be proud of them watching over me like they are. It really makes you see who your true friends are. I don't have to be anyone else around them. I can completely be myself. I can get mad or I can cry and they are there for me. I think half of our talk was me just crying and Cory hugging me. Sometimes that means more than words.

I've really been pondering the meaning of life and thinking about what is really important. I want to see all that I can and not waste any time. You and I always had such great ideas and plans. I only wish we would have acted on them sooner. I know you would be proud of me for wanting to carry on and live the best life I can live. Everybody says I should go talk to a counselor to deal with my feelings and my sadness. But in my own way this is my therapy. It's a way that I can get out my feelings, talk to you, and help myself move on all at once. Not that I will ever move on or get over you. But I know that one day I will come to terms with what happened and surround myself with our thousands of memories. I'm so scared to begin again. I'm so afraid of what people are going to say when I do begin again. What is the time limit? How long do I wait for it to be socially acceptable in their eyes for me to want to try to be with someone else. I know you would tell me "Fuck what people say!" I was telling Cory about when we went to Southpark a few months ago and you just wanted to wear your white tank top and jeans. I kept telling you to put on a jacket and you thought I was so lame for worrying about what other people would think. That's my favorite thing about you. You never cared what anyone thought. You were you 100% of the time. No impressing people, no sucking up, no changing. You were Matthew. Brady says that all the time. How irreplaceable you are and how unique you are. This weekend all the girls were talking about how immature and stupid those boys can be sometimes about not counting in our feelings or what we think. I just kept thinking how you would never disappoint us or do something that you knew would hurt our feelings. It makes me happy that I had my time with someone so amazing. I know you are watching over me and will make sure that I'm ok in everything I do. I know we weren't the most religious people, but I know 100% that you are in Heaven and you are watching out for me. Always my protector.

Trying to begin again

I've been spending a lot of time with all of my high school friends. It's comforting being around people who knew me before you. Not that I'm saying I don't want them to think of  you, as I do every 2 seconds. It's just nice to have memories with people who have known me for so long. Most of them for almost 16 years. I just think that's so crazy. How lucky am I to have people I have known for that many years and can still call them friends. I know no one will ever love me like you do. I say do, because I know you still love me, even up in the sky as Logan says. He asks about you every once in a while. He wants to know if I talk to you and why you are in the sky with Casey. I know you are up there rocking with nana and 2pac. Singing Thugs Mansion. I made homemade chocolate pudding yesterday and left a note for mom saying so. I wrote puddin instead of pudding. It made me smile. Sometimes I can't feel you next to me as I so hope you are. I don't like it when I can't feel you. When I'm alone and sad, it seems like I can't feel you holding my hand. But then there are other times when I know you are right beside me. You still protect me and make me feel safe. I think that you were meant to be my angel more than my husband. You are the love of my life and no one will ever replace you. They will just have to deal with being number 2 in my life. I'm going to the mountains this weekend with the group. I wish you could come. You would be having so much fun going out with us lately. I know you are the reason that I reconnected with them. I mean that in a good way! I wouldn't be so close with Brady, Katie, Stephanie, Lizzie and John again if you weren't such an amazing angel. I know you want me to be happy and still live the life we wanted. I know you want me to find love and marriage and have babies. I'm heartbroken you aren't the one that I will be doing it all with. But I'm so lucky to be the one you spent the rest of your life with. I guess all those times I called you my angel, it really meant something.

2 months

I can't believe it's been 2 months. 2 months since I heard you say I love you, 2 months since we kissed and hugged, 2 months since we had it all, and 2 months since my world was suddenly forever changed. That last day just plays on repeat in my head. Coming home with Angela and you were getting ready for work. You were upset because your ezcema was so bad. I told you it wasn't all that bad, kissed you, told you I love you and said I'd call you later.

There are others like me

I just found this online and it made my heart sink with sadness..

"Have I told you my husband died? 
I must have. 
I tell everyone. 
I tell them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows. 
I say it to get it out of the way. 
To avoid it coming up awkwardly later.
I also say it so people don't think I'm a 36 year old single mother of four teenages.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
And, by the way, I guess I am a 36 year old single mother of four teenagers. 
I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.
He died and left them fatherless.
He died and left me husbandless.
He's gone.
Never coming back.
Me, two girls, two boys.
We were six.
Now we're five.
I don't like odd numbers.
I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.
Where do we go from here?
How do we start over?
Star over???
It's creeping up on the whopper two year mark.
Two years.
I've been with him since a month before my 18th birthday.
I've been without him for almost 21 months.
Damn him for leaving us.
I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.
That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.
I almost cried in front of my boss today.
She asked me something about him.
I think I hid it well.
I think.
He is engrained in my inner being.
Not my 'soul'...I don't believe in souls.
He is a part of me.
He is a part of us.
Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'
It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?"

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a *queen*
But if I'd only known how the *queen* would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Never sure

I know that a part of me will always hold back if I ever am with someone else. I know that no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did (I know he still does). That makes me happy but also a little sad. Our love was perfect and I'm so afraid I will never be able to completely be with someone else because of this. It wasn't a divorce, it wasn't meant to happen. It's not like one day he stopped loving me and left me. He couldn't have loved me anymore. I just hope that someday someone new will be able to understand this. Understand that they will always be my second most perfect love. Matthew will always be my true love and my soulmate. So know I just have to find someone who I can love 2nd most in the world.
I divide my life into three chapters so far. Well actually 4. The first being my childhood; this includes all school up until college. My second chapter is my two and a half years with Tripp. My third chapter is my 5 and a half years with Matthew. I am now entering the 4th chapter of my life. A lot else has happened, but it tends to fall into one of these 4 chapters. These are the big ones in my life. Of course this 4th one is the hardest so far. There have been some happy times so far. I have really enjoyed being with my old friends and making new ones. But there is also still a lot of heartache and sadness. I just hope it continues to get a little easier everyday and a little less sad. I'm hopeful about certain aspects of my life and look forward to when I'm hopeful about every aspect.

Alone

I miss you so much I can't even breathe. I don't know what to do without you. Everything I do just seems so wrong and empty because you aren't here. I miss your voice, your smile, how you would pinch my cheeks and cup my face. I miss your arms holding me and your voice telling me that you love me. I feel so lost without you. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be here where you aren't. I want you back here so badly. I want to have my husband back, I want to have kids with you and grow old with you. I don't know how to do anything without you. I'm lost in this world, because the only world I belong in is yours. You are my world and my soulmate and I am just not me without you. You understood me better than anyone and you knew the real me without me having to say a word, you just knew. I can't do this without you. I just want you here. I'm so angry that you were taken away. It wasn't meant to happen like that. I miss calling you and telling you about my day and seeing you when I get home. I miss your crazy rapping and your loud music. I miss hearing your car from a mile away coming home. I miss you so much puddin. I'm just not the same if you aren't here with me.

Just thoughts

So I had a moment today that it just hit me that he's not coming back. Then to make it worse when I got to target one of those music sample things was playing "At Last", which of course is what I walked down the aisle to. I held it together and carried on. It feels so weird that I'm out living this social life alone. It makes me so sad because we both always talked about how much we regretted letting our friends fall to the wayside and that we never hung out with them. I just know how much fun he would be having doing all the things I am now. At times I feel like I'm back in high school or college just being with friends and then other times it's really clear that I'm back to square one doing this all over. We used to say how lucky we were that we never had to date again or worry about being alone. But yet, somehow, here I am, alone again. Logan has been asking about him a lot lately. He knows that he is up in the sky with Jesus and that he is an angel. He asks if I can talk to him and why he isn't coming back. Some day I just try to change the subject. But most days I will answer his questions and keep it together. I feel like sometimes everyone has forgotten what happened. There are no more phone calls or people telling me they are sorry or asking what they can do. I know I could reach out to anyone and they would be there, but it's just hard when it seems like everyone else is moving on with their life while my everyday life has been turned upside down. I have had fun this past month, don't get me wrong, but it's still been pure hell. I think a part of me just wants to push away what happened and pretty much ignore it because it makes it easier for me. I'm moving back to my house on the 21st, thank goodness Brady has agreed to stay my fist night back. He's been so great, I'm glad we are becoming  good friends again. I'd say I'm about 50-50 about moving back. Part of me is looking forward to going home and having things back to, well as normal as they can be, especially having the puppies back at home and being with Austin. All the new furniture, new floors and paint will help the make it look as different as it can. I am looking forward to setting up my new furniture in my bedroom and making it look completely different. But then on the other side, part of me never wants to enter that house again. I don't want to see the memories or go in my bedroom where I found him. That room will forever haunt me. I suppose we will see how it goes. I know with time it will keep getting easier and then one day I will just think of it as mine and Austin's house (and Daniel's of course). I do look forward to that day. And to the day that I don't feel sad about him, the day I think of him and smile, knowing what we had was perfect and that at least his dream of spending the rest of his life with me came true. It's like on "Catch and Release" when Gray is talking to her fiance's mom and the mom says that Gray didn't spend the rest of her life with Grady, but then Gray defends it saying he spent the rest of his with her.

After the mess

So here I am, a little over a month after the passing of Matthew. If you would have told me 2 months ago that this is the position I would find myself in, I would have said you were out of your mind. No one ever thinks something like this will happen to them. I mean why would I? I know no one is always 100% happy, but when it came down to he and I loving each other, we really were 100% happy. Sometimes I feel like it happened so long ago and yet I can still feel the coldness of him. That is something I will never recover from. Feeling the cold of his body and knowing it was the end. I don't know why I chose to start writing about this. Maybe it will help me and others understand better about what's going on.

We had 5 beautiful years together and for that I will be eternally grateful. No one has ever loved another as much as he loved me. To feel that, filled me with such completion and fullness. I can only wish that everyone will feel that way at least once in their life, because there is no greater feeling. I want to be able to write what I feel and what I know but also about all of the questions I still have. Like why do bad things happen to good people? I'm also struggling a little with the two facts that I want to have faith because I know he is in Heaven, but then I'm having trouble believing because why would He do this to us and take him away? I also want to be at peace with what happened. Most days I feel like I am, but there are other times that something just triggers it and I feel like I am going to suffocate. I do know that I am and will continue to be ok. This is life. To quote from Garden State- "I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." If I have learned anything from this experience so far, it is that tomorrow is never a guarantee. So I don't want to waste any time saying I want to do something and never do it. I want to live life to the fullest and try to enjoy every moment of it.