Defying Gravity

Well here I am, 8.5 months later and I am still alive. Alive and happy. There is so much going on in life right now I feel like I can't even stop to take a breath. Shane got a great job opportunity in New Jersey and moved there about a month ago. I will be moving there to join him at the end of the year. I have so much excitement but am also scared to death. I have been in the Fort Mill area since I was 8 years old. 20 years. My whole life revolves around Fort Mill. To some that may sound horribly boring, but I am one of those that absolutely loves it here. I love the Fort Mill family that has existed and only grown over the years. Maybe I should start with how excited I am to be moving. Okay, well not really about moving, but about being able to be with Shane and actually have a full on, everyday, in person relationship. The thought of getting to see him everyday makes me so giddy and happy inside, my little heart just overflows. I would never be able to sum up how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. This is it. I just know it. I wish everyone could find someone as amazing as he is. I am so very and truly lucky to have found him.

But yes, I am terrified to be leaving Fort Mill and all that goes with it. Not having my family so close and not being with Logan and Megan everyday pretty much breaks my heart. The thought of leaving my two "kids", is something I don't think I will ever be okay with. I am so afraid of what Logan is going to think when I am gone. "Why did she leave us?", "Did I do something to make her leave?", "Does she still love us?". These are the questions that break my heart to think about. Not being here everyday to see them grow up and change, not being able to spend Christmas with them, and not being able to know that no matter how bad of a day I may be having, I can always count on them to get a running start and give me the biggest hug ever, knocking me over. I break down just thinking of it. How will I go without being able to see my mom and Angela everyday? Not being able to call one of them up and go to Target or Kohls. Not going grocery shopping every Sunday with Angela, not having lunch every week with mom. Not having the two people who know me best and love me the most right around the corner. I don't know how I will do without them. Then of course there is the fact of leaving Daniel. Someone who was brought into my life as a brother in law, but will always remain a best friend and also a true brother. There are so many times in my life that he has been there for me, without me having to ask, he just knows what to do and does it. He is the greatest man I know and I am so proud of who he has become. He is there for me regardless of anything, he would do anything for me and I for him. I feel like just when everything was getting back to normal with dad, Linda and Jackson being here, I am the one leaving. I am so grateful that our relationships have grown and that we are all so close. I couldn't ask for a better step mom (or step dad in Jim), and it hurts me so much that I will be missing out on Jackson.

I make it sound like I am leaving forever to a foreign country! I know I am not, I just am so used to having all I need right at my fingertips and now that I am leaving it all, I just really want to embrace it while I can.

Matthew- there are some days where I think of you and smile so much because of some silly memory I have thought out. Then there are still those days where I hear a song, see a movie, or pretty much anything that reminds me of you and I just lose it. I miss you so much my angel. But I know that you are watching me and are so proud of me and happy for me. That's all you ever told me you wanted, was just for me to smile and be happy. Well puddin, I am. I really am.