Dear World

Dear World,
I want you all to understand that what I'm going through is not something that should be overlooked or thought carelessly of. You cannot imagine the amount of sadness and fear that I feel every single day. Even on the days that I smile and seem ok, Matthew is always there as my main thought. I think I've just become really good at acting like I'm fine. There is no amount of words, hugs, books, shared tears, or anything else that will make me feel better or make me feel like I can really go on without him. I know it's easy to say "oh you're young, you will be ok". Words are so easy. I want to punch those people in the face who say meaningless stuff like that. Because they just don't get it. There have been so many amazing people that have tried with all they have to make me feel better, and I do greatly appreciate them. But then there are those who disregard it and think I should be moving on and getting over it. It's like they're shocked when I say that everyday is a bad day. Like I'm only allowed to be sad for one day a week or something. When those people come to me with their petty problems like having a bad day at work or those having stupid girlfriend/boyfriend problem, I don't care. I'm allowed to be selfish right now, I'm ALLOWED. I don't need to hear about your silly nonimportant problems. Don't you see that my world have been ripped apart and I too am falling apart at the seams. For those people that are in a relationship or married, you can only begin to imagine what it feels like. But even then, you never understand how your everyday, every minute, every second is forever changed. Especially because it was so sudden and we had so much love in our marriage. I honestly can't think of anyone that loved another person as much as Matthew loved me. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I'm saying it because it's true. Most people didn't get to see the real Matthew, the sweet, silly, gentle, child loving, weird, cheek kissing, rap singing, perfect Matthew. For those that did, you get it. You know that there's no one like him and how amazing he was. I just want people to know that I will never be the same. My support group talks about a new normal. That's what I'm going to be. Not the old normal me, but a new normal. Not better or worse. Just new. There are so many questions I have that will never be answered, I feel so much regret, anger, sadness, fear, emptiness. Every single emotion out there, I feel it. So when those bad moments come, and they come often, just know that they will pass. But in the process, just let it happen. I know there is a social stigma related to young widows. Will I ever be loved again? What do people think of me? What do they say about me? I know no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did. I know that. I guess I just want people to try to grasp what I'm going through and even though you can't relate or begin to understand, just know that there's nothing harder. So be nice to me. Most everyone is, this isn't directed at anyone. Just putting it out there for when it happens. When I flip out, be nice. When I cry, be nice. When I get angry for no reason, be nice. When I forget something or forget to do something, be nice. I would never wish this loss on anyone in the world. Just give me my time and let me try to heal in my own way. Don't rush me or assume that because I smile, I'm over it and healed. Think of me everyday and how much pain I'm in. Just try to get it.

You haven't seen the last of me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/cher-you-havent-seen-the-last-of-me-lyrics.html

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But i’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

3 months

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.” -the notebook

A lot has happened since my last entry. I was given the death certificate and found out the cause. It was perhaps the 3rd hardest day I've ever had. The first was the day you left me, the second was the day we celebrated you and now this. I never imagined it was this. I have so many feelings- anger, sadness, hopelessness. So many questions that will never be answered. I want to know how, why, how long, why, why, why. I have since discovered that there you had to have been tricked into something you didn't know was happening. I know you aren't stupid. I'm so thankful my hopes were believed that it was an accident. But then, does that really make it any better? To know that when you woke up, you were in Heaven thinking "what the hell just happened, where's Mel". And having to look down on me falling apart. 

I've started going to a support group with Angela every Tuesday. It's amazing how much better I feel afterwards. To be with people who have also lost the love of their life is very comforting for me. We talk about the many emotions we are going through. From anger, sadness, regret, being pissed at the world, selfishness, hurt, everything. I regret so many things with you. I regret that I wasn't firmer with your addiction healing and going to your meeting. I regret things I said to you on our last day. I regret not traveling more with you. I regret not having the same schedules and being able to spend every second together. I regret being so blind the past year about your addiction and not seeing what was right in front of me. I regret not telling you every single second of every minute how much I love you and how you are the love of my life and the reason for my existence in life. 

Saturday was 3 months. We all went to Granny's for her 80's birthday. It was a really great party. I always love being with your family, they're all so amazing. Isabel is pregnant again and everyone kept talking about grandchildren and how they can't wait for Mimi and Matt to have kids. I just felt so alone and out of place. That should have been you and I. There are many days that I wish I had gotten pregnant only to have that piece of you remaining to hold on to forever. But I can't imagine how much harder this would be to go through knowing I was having a child without you here with me. I know everything happens for a reason, I just think it's really fucked up sometimes. Saturday afternoon was not so great. I layed on all of your clothes and hysterically cried and screamed. That night got better. Brady, Cory, Jay, Katie, Steph, and Liz came over. I always feel better when I'm with all of them. We looked at all of my yearbooks and looked at your Kindergarten picture. You were so cute! Writing to you has also made me feel a lot better. I feel like you're right here reading along as I write. I know you can hear what I'm saying. 

I had a pretty bad day today. I got some bad news from the life insurance and wanted to leave work early and Aimee was kind of mean to me about it. Like I really needed her to be mean when I was obviously having a really horrible day. I talked to my friend David tonight and he made me feel better. I don't know if you knew him. We've been talking for the past 2 months. He's been really great and always makes me feel happier after we talk. I was hoping to hang out with Brady but Brantley is in town and the family went out tonight. It's ok though, someone always helps me through when I start to get really down. I just wish you were here. Forever.