Dear World

Dear World,
I want you all to understand that what I'm going through is not something that should be overlooked or thought carelessly of. You cannot imagine the amount of sadness and fear that I feel every single day. Even on the days that I smile and seem ok, Matthew is always there as my main thought. I think I've just become really good at acting like I'm fine. There is no amount of words, hugs, books, shared tears, or anything else that will make me feel better or make me feel like I can really go on without him. I know it's easy to say "oh you're young, you will be ok". Words are so easy. I want to punch those people in the face who say meaningless stuff like that. Because they just don't get it. There have been so many amazing people that have tried with all they have to make me feel better, and I do greatly appreciate them. But then there are those who disregard it and think I should be moving on and getting over it. It's like they're shocked when I say that everyday is a bad day. Like I'm only allowed to be sad for one day a week or something. When those people come to me with their petty problems like having a bad day at work or those having stupid girlfriend/boyfriend problem, I don't care. I'm allowed to be selfish right now, I'm ALLOWED. I don't need to hear about your silly nonimportant problems. Don't you see that my world have been ripped apart and I too am falling apart at the seams. For those people that are in a relationship or married, you can only begin to imagine what it feels like. But even then, you never understand how your everyday, every minute, every second is forever changed. Especially because it was so sudden and we had so much love in our marriage. I honestly can't think of anyone that loved another person as much as Matthew loved me. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I'm saying it because it's true. Most people didn't get to see the real Matthew, the sweet, silly, gentle, child loving, weird, cheek kissing, rap singing, perfect Matthew. For those that did, you get it. You know that there's no one like him and how amazing he was. I just want people to know that I will never be the same. My support group talks about a new normal. That's what I'm going to be. Not the old normal me, but a new normal. Not better or worse. Just new. There are so many questions I have that will never be answered, I feel so much regret, anger, sadness, fear, emptiness. Every single emotion out there, I feel it. So when those bad moments come, and they come often, just know that they will pass. But in the process, just let it happen. I know there is a social stigma related to young widows. Will I ever be loved again? What do people think of me? What do they say about me? I know no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did. I know that. I guess I just want people to try to grasp what I'm going through and even though you can't relate or begin to understand, just know that there's nothing harder. So be nice to me. Most everyone is, this isn't directed at anyone. Just putting it out there for when it happens. When I flip out, be nice. When I cry, be nice. When I get angry for no reason, be nice. When I forget something or forget to do something, be nice. I would never wish this loss on anyone in the world. Just give me my time and let me try to heal in my own way. Don't rush me or assume that because I smile, I'm over it and healed. Think of me everyday and how much pain I'm in. Just try to get it.