Journey so far

Well, I haven't written anything in a few months. Mainly because I have been so gosh darn busy I just didn't have the time to write or even think about it honestly. A lot has changed. I have moved and gotten settled in New Jersey. I would love to say that it's amazing, fantastic, spectacular. But it is not. I love our little apartment and I have been very lucky with getting a great job with a wonderful family and precious baby girl Sienna. Living with Shane has transitioned so effortlessly. There haven't been any weird "I'm living with my boyfriend" moments or has there ever been a time where I wish we weren't. I absolutely love it. He is my forever.

Other than that.... I can't wait to move back. Yes, it has only been 2 months, but we were only going to stay initially for a year. We are looking at moving back around July. I would go now, but he has to figure out a job situation and we have to deal with our apartment and find one back home. He knows I want to be in Fort Mill, and seeing as he isn't tied to anywhere specific in the area, he says Fort Mill will be fine:) I can't even count the many times I have broken down and just lost it emotionally because I miss home so much. Of course having a new experience is good and it really does make me love Fort Mill even more than before (if that was even possible). Being so close to NYC is pretty cool. I get to see the city everyday, and that in itself is something most people don't get to see. I don't like having to take a bus to work and walk, I am very much attached to my car, but there is no parking for longer than 4 hours in Hoboken (where I work).

The puppies have been good, well Wesley has. I am not really sure what Zoe is going through. I think she has a spout of depression. She had to go to the vet last week for her back. Thank God nothing serious is going on there again, but she just isn't her perky self. She used to love going outside and sitting on the patio, now she only goes outside when it's potty time and it's normally freezing. I miss Megan and Logan so much it breaks my heart every time I think about them. At least I get to talk to them still, but I hate it I am not there to watch them everyday or even see them. I feel like I abandoned them and sometimes it is too much for me to handle. I hate not being able to call up someone and go to the store or get dinner. Shane works a whole lot (6 days a week) and I am alone a whole lot. I've never been so alone before. Even when Matthew passed, I was always surrounded by family and friends. I hate being alone so much in a city I don't know.

The people up here, other than a few, are so rude and unfriendly. It's so crazy how different people are up here compared to the South. I always heard Southern hospitality was unique, but never knew how unique until I came up here. No one says hello, thank you, please or even smiles. I have met a few nice people, but in the everyday movement, not so much. It's just a way bigger change than I ever thought or prepared myself for.

Okay, so that's my rant. On a happier note, besides my living situation, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I am so thankful for all of my family and great friends. When you get to a certain age, it really becomes important to know who is really there for you. Especially moving away, you start to see who really cares. Also, let me just say how proud I am of my sister (not Angela). Matthew would be so proud too. She has been so brave in standing up for what she wants in life. It really is admirable. I am also so glad Angela has found someone so amazing. I never would have thought she would be dating someone with kids, especially kids that are 10 and 16. Craziness. I can't wait to move back so I can be apart of their world too. Everyone around me is finally getting the life they want (some it may not be until August- HC), but we all are. That fills me with such comfort and hope for a wonderful future. I look forward to the day when we can all get together on a regular basis.

Enough for now.

Matthew- I still miss you and think of you several times everyday. I always will. I know you had a part in helping us all (me, Angela and Mimi) find happiness and I know you are watching over us and keeping us safe. I know you would be proud and happy for us. Always.

Some songs

Songs that I have a love-hate relationship with:

All I Have to do is Dream- Everly Brothers
Hold Your Hand- The Beatles
Power of Love- Huey Lewis
Sorry About That- Alkaline Trio
Just Wait- Blues Traveler
A Thousand Years- Christina Perri
Fix You- Coldplay
Turning Page- Sleeping at Last (Especially this one)
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Johnny B Goode- Chuck Berry
Lighter- Eminem
Over You- Miranda Lambert
A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton
My Love is Your Love- Whitney Houston
Starlight- Muse
At Last- Etta James
All You Need is Love- The Beatles
Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron and Wine
Just My Imagination- The Temptations
Firework- Katy Perry
Always on my Mind- Elvis
One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

Jersey Girl

So, I made the first visit up to New Jersey. My soon to be new home state. The first night was pretty intense. I arrived around 9:30 pm, and could see the whole city lit up. It was very overwhelming pulling in to the gate on the plane, knowing that this was going to be my new home. Things felt better when Shane picked me up, seeing him just reassured everything for me and I knew it was going to be great. But making the drive to his apartment, with all of the traffic and all of the noise just shook me. I had a pretty big breakdown when we got to his place, called Daniel crying, he calmed me down and made me feel a little better. He said "yes it's different, it's not bad, just different." It helped. After that, just being able to spend all that time with Shane just really made everything worth it. The thought of getting to do that all the time makes me so happy I can hardly stand it! I wanted to get out and explore a little on Friday while he was working, but it rained pretty much all day. Saturday we went into Hoboken and had dinner and walked around. I really loved it there, I would love to live there one day. I thought that when I move up in December, I would be moving in with him where he is now, but come to find out, they don't allow pets. Of course, my puppies are my life and so that will not work for me. I have been looking for a different place, and actually already found one today that I love. I hope everything goes well and I can secure it in the next few days. I think it will be a lot better anyway, I wasn't really looking forward to having to live with him and his friend and fiance. That's a bit much for me and my pups. So I'm glad it will just be the two of us and the pups.

I'm not feeling scared about going anymore. I am really glad I got to go up there this past weekend. Being with him just feels so right and I know this is what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be. I think I will adjust very easily to living there, as I already began to this weekend. I look forward to going back in a month, having my car and being able to really explore the new city. As sad as I am to be leaving, my happiness for going overrides that.

Matthew- I wish you could see it. You would love it up there. I feel like you should have lived in a big city, living your crazy and exciting life. It makes me sad that you never got to experience something like that. In a way, I am doing this because you never got to. It's kind of like through me, you can experience it too. You are on my mind, as always.

My southern roots

Okay, so I decided to construct a list of the things I will miss the most:

family
the carlotto's
mimi (yes, you are that special you get your own line)
my fm friends
fmhs tennis
jump in java
red bowl egg rolls
portofino dates with daniel
sweet tea with lemon (makes me cry just thinking of not having it)
knowing someone literally everywhere I go
my adorable house
daytime dates with becky and the twins
ease of driving
hearing country music everywhere
all things charleston
lazy bear lodge
boone/blowing rock
fenced in backyard
southern accents (not mine, because apparently I have a midwestern sort of accent??)
my fort mill bubble in general
the greenway
southpark mall
ayrsley
the bump in the road in front of the peach stand

I am sure I am missing tons of things, but I will add more when I think of them

Defying Gravity

Well here I am, 8.5 months later and I am still alive. Alive and happy. There is so much going on in life right now I feel like I can't even stop to take a breath. Shane got a great job opportunity in New Jersey and moved there about a month ago. I will be moving there to join him at the end of the year. I have so much excitement but am also scared to death. I have been in the Fort Mill area since I was 8 years old. 20 years. My whole life revolves around Fort Mill. To some that may sound horribly boring, but I am one of those that absolutely loves it here. I love the Fort Mill family that has existed and only grown over the years. Maybe I should start with how excited I am to be moving. Okay, well not really about moving, but about being able to be with Shane and actually have a full on, everyday, in person relationship. The thought of getting to see him everyday makes me so giddy and happy inside, my little heart just overflows. I would never be able to sum up how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. This is it. I just know it. I wish everyone could find someone as amazing as he is. I am so very and truly lucky to have found him.

But yes, I am terrified to be leaving Fort Mill and all that goes with it. Not having my family so close and not being with Logan and Megan everyday pretty much breaks my heart. The thought of leaving my two "kids", is something I don't think I will ever be okay with. I am so afraid of what Logan is going to think when I am gone. "Why did she leave us?", "Did I do something to make her leave?", "Does she still love us?". These are the questions that break my heart to think about. Not being here everyday to see them grow up and change, not being able to spend Christmas with them, and not being able to know that no matter how bad of a day I may be having, I can always count on them to get a running start and give me the biggest hug ever, knocking me over. I break down just thinking of it. How will I go without being able to see my mom and Angela everyday? Not being able to call one of them up and go to Target or Kohls. Not going grocery shopping every Sunday with Angela, not having lunch every week with mom. Not having the two people who know me best and love me the most right around the corner. I don't know how I will do without them. Then of course there is the fact of leaving Daniel. Someone who was brought into my life as a brother in law, but will always remain a best friend and also a true brother. There are so many times in my life that he has been there for me, without me having to ask, he just knows what to do and does it. He is the greatest man I know and I am so proud of who he has become. He is there for me regardless of anything, he would do anything for me and I for him. I feel like just when everything was getting back to normal with dad, Linda and Jackson being here, I am the one leaving. I am so grateful that our relationships have grown and that we are all so close. I couldn't ask for a better step mom (or step dad in Jim), and it hurts me so much that I will be missing out on Jackson.

I make it sound like I am leaving forever to a foreign country! I know I am not, I just am so used to having all I need right at my fingertips and now that I am leaving it all, I just really want to embrace it while I can.

Matthew- there are some days where I think of you and smile so much because of some silly memory I have thought out. Then there are still those days where I hear a song, see a movie, or pretty much anything that reminds me of you and I just lose it. I miss you so much my angel. But I know that you are watching me and are so proud of me and happy for me. That's all you ever told me you wanted, was just for me to smile and be happy. Well puddin, I am. I really am.

You put your arms around me and I'm home

So much is going on right now. I have felt so restless with several aspects of my life and something big just happened that I think might just be what I am looking for. It's been a really long time since I was this happy in a relationship. I know that sounds horrible, but I mean it in the sense that I am not worried about anything. There isn't anything about him that worries me for the future or if he is "stable" or overcoming struggles of his own. There is a certain feeling of safety and comfort in that. It's very stress free. Which is nice. We have come so far since meeting, I feel like it's been so long. Not more than a few hours go by everyday that we don't talk- not text, but actually talk on the phone. We do that for at least 2 or 3 hours everyday, which sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it's awesome. I never thought I would fall in love so hard and fast and real. It's not just the excitement of it all. We are so similar. It seems like everything I say I like or don't like, he is the exact same. Except for food of course:) We have the same type of upbringing and the same future goals and wants in life. I could talk about him all day long! The way he talks to me, tells me how he feels, even how he holds me makes me know it's the real thing. Its like when we hug we can't get close enough, it's a real hug, not just a "I feel obligated to hug you, so here it is". It really makes me understand all those crazy people who have been caught up in whirlwind romances, who love each other so much after such a short time period. I get it. I really get it now. I guess since we do talk a whole lot, it does make more sense. I know most people who start dating, probably talk a few times a week. Not for hours everyday. I just want to be with him all the time, I would go anywhere and do anything for him. I feel like I have been through so much, that this is my happy ending. And with everything that is up in the air right now, I am really excited and hopeful that it goes as planned and that people will understand and be excited. Life is about taking chances, especially when it comes to love. And like Bella says in my favorite Twilight quote- "I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." That I am:)

SMR

Matthew- so much has happened in the past 2 and a half months since I last wrote. I have come to accept that you are gone and not coming back. I have begun to realize that there are things in this world that you simply cannot control or understand. I guess in a way some things are just meant to happen, no matter how much they hurt us. There is always a new day to follow that will hopefully get a little brighter and brighter. I still have many days where I break down and cry and cry and cry. I still miss you everyday, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you and that you are watching over me and always being my protector. I read a book about a little boy who went to Heaven for 3 minutes and could describe it all. I watched a few videos on similar occurances too. Things like this give me faith that you are okay. Your birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I am very much not looking forward to this day. And then of course my birthday is a couple weeks after that.

On a different note- I think I found him. Matthew, I am terrified. I never thought that someone would feel this way about me or that I would feel this way about someone other than you. That is the main thing I have struggled with. The fact that you were so crazy about me and scared I wouldn't have that again. But I do. I do, and it terrifies me. I'm scared that I feel this way, I'm scared that means you and I weren't unique, I just don't know what it all means. I just want to sit and cry because I am so happy, yet so scared and saddened. He is so similar to you in how he talks to me and treats me. I think you two could have been good friends and that makes me happy. I think this is it.