There are others like me

I just found this online and it made my heart sink with sadness..

"Have I told you my husband died? 
I must have. 
I tell everyone. 
I tell them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows. 
I say it to get it out of the way. 
To avoid it coming up awkwardly later.
I also say it so people don't think I'm a 36 year old single mother of four teenages.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
And, by the way, I guess I am a 36 year old single mother of four teenagers. 
I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.
He died and left them fatherless.
He died and left me husbandless.
He's gone.
Never coming back.
Me, two girls, two boys.
We were six.
Now we're five.
I don't like odd numbers.
I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.
Where do we go from here?
How do we start over?
Star over???
It's creeping up on the whopper two year mark.
Two years.
I've been with him since a month before my 18th birthday.
I've been without him for almost 21 months.
Damn him for leaving us.
I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.
That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.
I almost cried in front of my boss today.
She asked me something about him.
I think I hid it well.
I think.
He is engrained in my inner being.
Not my 'soul'...I don't believe in souls.
He is a part of me.
He is a part of us.
Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'
It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?"

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a *queen*
But if I'd only known how the *queen* would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Never sure

I know that a part of me will always hold back if I ever am with someone else. I know that no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did (I know he still does). That makes me happy but also a little sad. Our love was perfect and I'm so afraid I will never be able to completely be with someone else because of this. It wasn't a divorce, it wasn't meant to happen. It's not like one day he stopped loving me and left me. He couldn't have loved me anymore. I just hope that someday someone new will be able to understand this. Understand that they will always be my second most perfect love. Matthew will always be my true love and my soulmate. So know I just have to find someone who I can love 2nd most in the world.
I divide my life into three chapters so far. Well actually 4. The first being my childhood; this includes all school up until college. My second chapter is my two and a half years with Tripp. My third chapter is my 5 and a half years with Matthew. I am now entering the 4th chapter of my life. A lot else has happened, but it tends to fall into one of these 4 chapters. These are the big ones in my life. Of course this 4th one is the hardest so far. There have been some happy times so far. I have really enjoyed being with my old friends and making new ones. But there is also still a lot of heartache and sadness. I just hope it continues to get a little easier everyday and a little less sad. I'm hopeful about certain aspects of my life and look forward to when I'm hopeful about every aspect.

Alone

I miss you so much I can't even breathe. I don't know what to do without you. Everything I do just seems so wrong and empty because you aren't here. I miss your voice, your smile, how you would pinch my cheeks and cup my face. I miss your arms holding me and your voice telling me that you love me. I feel so lost without you. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be here where you aren't. I want you back here so badly. I want to have my husband back, I want to have kids with you and grow old with you. I don't know how to do anything without you. I'm lost in this world, because the only world I belong in is yours. You are my world and my soulmate and I am just not me without you. You understood me better than anyone and you knew the real me without me having to say a word, you just knew. I can't do this without you. I just want you here. I'm so angry that you were taken away. It wasn't meant to happen like that. I miss calling you and telling you about my day and seeing you when I get home. I miss your crazy rapping and your loud music. I miss hearing your car from a mile away coming home. I miss you so much puddin. I'm just not the same if you aren't here with me.

Just thoughts

So I had a moment today that it just hit me that he's not coming back. Then to make it worse when I got to target one of those music sample things was playing "At Last", which of course is what I walked down the aisle to. I held it together and carried on. It feels so weird that I'm out living this social life alone. It makes me so sad because we both always talked about how much we regretted letting our friends fall to the wayside and that we never hung out with them. I just know how much fun he would be having doing all the things I am now. At times I feel like I'm back in high school or college just being with friends and then other times it's really clear that I'm back to square one doing this all over. We used to say how lucky we were that we never had to date again or worry about being alone. But yet, somehow, here I am, alone again. Logan has been asking about him a lot lately. He knows that he is up in the sky with Jesus and that he is an angel. He asks if I can talk to him and why he isn't coming back. Some day I just try to change the subject. But most days I will answer his questions and keep it together. I feel like sometimes everyone has forgotten what happened. There are no more phone calls or people telling me they are sorry or asking what they can do. I know I could reach out to anyone and they would be there, but it's just hard when it seems like everyone else is moving on with their life while my everyday life has been turned upside down. I have had fun this past month, don't get me wrong, but it's still been pure hell. I think a part of me just wants to push away what happened and pretty much ignore it because it makes it easier for me. I'm moving back to my house on the 21st, thank goodness Brady has agreed to stay my fist night back. He's been so great, I'm glad we are becoming  good friends again. I'd say I'm about 50-50 about moving back. Part of me is looking forward to going home and having things back to, well as normal as they can be, especially having the puppies back at home and being with Austin. All the new furniture, new floors and paint will help the make it look as different as it can. I am looking forward to setting up my new furniture in my bedroom and making it look completely different. But then on the other side, part of me never wants to enter that house again. I don't want to see the memories or go in my bedroom where I found him. That room will forever haunt me. I suppose we will see how it goes. I know with time it will keep getting easier and then one day I will just think of it as mine and Austin's house (and Daniel's of course). I do look forward to that day. And to the day that I don't feel sad about him, the day I think of him and smile, knowing what we had was perfect and that at least his dream of spending the rest of his life with me came true. It's like on "Catch and Release" when Gray is talking to her fiance's mom and the mom says that Gray didn't spend the rest of her life with Grady, but then Gray defends it saying he spent the rest of his with her.

After the mess

So here I am, a little over a month after the passing of Matthew. If you would have told me 2 months ago that this is the position I would find myself in, I would have said you were out of your mind. No one ever thinks something like this will happen to them. I mean why would I? I know no one is always 100% happy, but when it came down to he and I loving each other, we really were 100% happy. Sometimes I feel like it happened so long ago and yet I can still feel the coldness of him. That is something I will never recover from. Feeling the cold of his body and knowing it was the end. I don't know why I chose to start writing about this. Maybe it will help me and others understand better about what's going on.

We had 5 beautiful years together and for that I will be eternally grateful. No one has ever loved another as much as he loved me. To feel that, filled me with such completion and fullness. I can only wish that everyone will feel that way at least once in their life, because there is no greater feeling. I want to be able to write what I feel and what I know but also about all of the questions I still have. Like why do bad things happen to good people? I'm also struggling a little with the two facts that I want to have faith because I know he is in Heaven, but then I'm having trouble believing because why would He do this to us and take him away? I also want to be at peace with what happened. Most days I feel like I am, but there are other times that something just triggers it and I feel like I am going to suffocate. I do know that I am and will continue to be ok. This is life. To quote from Garden State- "I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." If I have learned anything from this experience so far, it is that tomorrow is never a guarantee. So I don't want to waste any time saying I want to do something and never do it. I want to live life to the fullest and try to enjoy every moment of it.