After the mess

So here I am, a little over a month after the passing of Matthew. If you would have told me 2 months ago that this is the position I would find myself in, I would have said you were out of your mind. No one ever thinks something like this will happen to them. I mean why would I? I know no one is always 100% happy, but when it came down to he and I loving each other, we really were 100% happy. Sometimes I feel like it happened so long ago and yet I can still feel the coldness of him. That is something I will never recover from. Feeling the cold of his body and knowing it was the end. I don't know why I chose to start writing about this. Maybe it will help me and others understand better about what's going on.

We had 5 beautiful years together and for that I will be eternally grateful. No one has ever loved another as much as he loved me. To feel that, filled me with such completion and fullness. I can only wish that everyone will feel that way at least once in their life, because there is no greater feeling. I want to be able to write what I feel and what I know but also about all of the questions I still have. Like why do bad things happen to good people? I'm also struggling a little with the two facts that I want to have faith because I know he is in Heaven, but then I'm having trouble believing because why would He do this to us and take him away? I also want to be at peace with what happened. Most days I feel like I am, but there are other times that something just triggers it and I feel like I am going to suffocate. I do know that I am and will continue to be ok. This is life. To quote from Garden State- "I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." If I have learned anything from this experience so far, it is that tomorrow is never a guarantee. So I don't want to waste any time saying I want to do something and never do it. I want to live life to the fullest and try to enjoy every moment of it.