Just thoughts

So I had a moment today that it just hit me that he's not coming back. Then to make it worse when I got to target one of those music sample things was playing "At Last", which of course is what I walked down the aisle to. I held it together and carried on. It feels so weird that I'm out living this social life alone. It makes me so sad because we both always talked about how much we regretted letting our friends fall to the wayside and that we never hung out with them. I just know how much fun he would be having doing all the things I am now. At times I feel like I'm back in high school or college just being with friends and then other times it's really clear that I'm back to square one doing this all over. We used to say how lucky we were that we never had to date again or worry about being alone. But yet, somehow, here I am, alone again. Logan has been asking about him a lot lately. He knows that he is up in the sky with Jesus and that he is an angel. He asks if I can talk to him and why he isn't coming back. Some day I just try to change the subject. But most days I will answer his questions and keep it together. I feel like sometimes everyone has forgotten what happened. There are no more phone calls or people telling me they are sorry or asking what they can do. I know I could reach out to anyone and they would be there, but it's just hard when it seems like everyone else is moving on with their life while my everyday life has been turned upside down. I have had fun this past month, don't get me wrong, but it's still been pure hell. I think a part of me just wants to push away what happened and pretty much ignore it because it makes it easier for me. I'm moving back to my house on the 21st, thank goodness Brady has agreed to stay my fist night back. He's been so great, I'm glad we are becoming  good friends again. I'd say I'm about 50-50 about moving back. Part of me is looking forward to going home and having things back to, well as normal as they can be, especially having the puppies back at home and being with Austin. All the new furniture, new floors and paint will help the make it look as different as it can. I am looking forward to setting up my new furniture in my bedroom and making it look completely different. But then on the other side, part of me never wants to enter that house again. I don't want to see the memories or go in my bedroom where I found him. That room will forever haunt me. I suppose we will see how it goes. I know with time it will keep getting easier and then one day I will just think of it as mine and Austin's house (and Daniel's of course). I do look forward to that day. And to the day that I don't feel sad about him, the day I think of him and smile, knowing what we had was perfect and that at least his dream of spending the rest of his life with me came true. It's like on "Catch and Release" when Gray is talking to her fiance's mom and the mom says that Gray didn't spend the rest of her life with Grady, but then Gray defends it saying he spent the rest of his with her.