A lot has happened since my last entry. I was given the death certificate and found out the cause. It was perhaps the 3rd hardest day I've ever had. The first was the day you left me, the second was the day we celebrated you and now this. I never imagined it was this. I have so many feelings- anger, sadness, hopelessness. So many questions that will never be answered. I want to know how, why, how long, why, why, why. I have since discovered that there you had to have been tricked into something you didn't know was happening. I know you aren't stupid. I'm so thankful my hopes were believed that it was an accident. But then, does that really make it any better? To know that when you woke up, you were in Heaven thinking "what the hell just happened, where's Mel". And having to look down on me falling apart.
I've started going to a support group with Angela every Tuesday. It's amazing how much better I feel afterwards. To be with people who have also lost the love of their life is very comforting for me. We talk about the many emotions we are going through. From anger, sadness, regret, being pissed at the world, selfishness, hurt, everything. I regret so many things with you. I regret that I wasn't firmer with your addiction healing and going to your meeting. I regret things I said to you on our last day. I regret not traveling more with you. I regret not having the same schedules and being able to spend every second together. I regret being so blind the past year about your addiction and not seeing what was right in front of me. I regret not telling you every single second of every minute how much I love you and how you are the love of my life and the reason for my existence in life.
Saturday was 3 months. We all went to Granny's for her 80's birthday. It was a really great party. I always love being with your family, they're all so amazing. Isabel is pregnant again and everyone kept talking about grandchildren and how they can't wait for Mimi and Matt to have kids. I just felt so alone and out of place. That should have been you and I. There are many days that I wish I had gotten pregnant only to have that piece of you remaining to hold on to forever. But I can't imagine how much harder this would be to go through knowing I was having a child without you here with me. I know everything happens for a reason, I just think it's really fucked up sometimes. Saturday afternoon was not so great. I layed on all of your clothes and hysterically cried and screamed. That night got better. Brady, Cory, Jay, Katie, Steph, and Liz came over. I always feel better when I'm with all of them. We looked at all of my yearbooks and looked at your Kindergarten picture. You were so cute! Writing to you has also made me feel a lot better. I feel like you're right here reading along as I write. I know you can hear what I'm saying.
I had a pretty bad day today. I got some bad news from the life insurance and wanted to leave work early and Aimee was kind of mean to me about it. Like I really needed her to be mean when I was obviously having a really horrible day. I talked to my friend David tonight and he made me feel better. I don't know if you knew him. We've been talking for the past 2 months. He's been really great and always makes me feel happier after we talk. I was hoping to hang out with Brady but Brantley is in town and the family went out tonight. It's ok though, someone always helps me through when I start to get really down. I just wish you were here. Forever.
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