Come Sail Away

I want to call you everyday. Many times during the day as we used to. I don't think we ever went more than a few hours without calling each other. I heard on the radio that a new Friday movie is coming out. That was the first time that I realllly wanted to tell you something. As lame as that sounds. I just knew how excited you would be to hear that. I promise you I will see it. We went to the mountains this weekend. I so wish you were there. It was such a great getaway to be able to just spend time with everyone and relax. Cory and I had a really good talk Friday night. We talked about you and how much we love and miss you. Just to be able to share that with someone is so comforting. Of course I have had many talks like that with Brady. I know you would be proud of them watching over me like they are. It really makes you see who your true friends are. I don't have to be anyone else around them. I can completely be myself. I can get mad or I can cry and they are there for me. I think half of our talk was me just crying and Cory hugging me. Sometimes that means more than words.

I've really been pondering the meaning of life and thinking about what is really important. I want to see all that I can and not waste any time. You and I always had such great ideas and plans. I only wish we would have acted on them sooner. I know you would be proud of me for wanting to carry on and live the best life I can live. Everybody says I should go talk to a counselor to deal with my feelings and my sadness. But in my own way this is my therapy. It's a way that I can get out my feelings, talk to you, and help myself move on all at once. Not that I will ever move on or get over you. But I know that one day I will come to terms with what happened and surround myself with our thousands of memories. I'm so scared to begin again. I'm so afraid of what people are going to say when I do begin again. What is the time limit? How long do I wait for it to be socially acceptable in their eyes for me to want to try to be with someone else. I know you would tell me "Fuck what people say!" I was telling Cory about when we went to Southpark a few months ago and you just wanted to wear your white tank top and jeans. I kept telling you to put on a jacket and you thought I was so lame for worrying about what other people would think. That's my favorite thing about you. You never cared what anyone thought. You were you 100% of the time. No impressing people, no sucking up, no changing. You were Matthew. Brady says that all the time. How irreplaceable you are and how unique you are. This weekend all the girls were talking about how immature and stupid those boys can be sometimes about not counting in our feelings or what we think. I just kept thinking how you would never disappoint us or do something that you knew would hurt our feelings. It makes me happy that I had my time with someone so amazing. I know you are watching over me and will make sure that I'm ok in everything I do. I know we weren't the most religious people, but I know 100% that you are in Heaven and you are watching out for me. Always my protector.