Dear World

Dear World,
I want you all to understand that what I'm going through is not something that should be overlooked or thought carelessly of. You cannot imagine the amount of sadness and fear that I feel every single day. Even on the days that I smile and seem ok, Matthew is always there as my main thought. I think I've just become really good at acting like I'm fine. There is no amount of words, hugs, books, shared tears, or anything else that will make me feel better or make me feel like I can really go on without him. I know it's easy to say "oh you're young, you will be ok". Words are so easy. I want to punch those people in the face who say meaningless stuff like that. Because they just don't get it. There have been so many amazing people that have tried with all they have to make me feel better, and I do greatly appreciate them. But then there are those who disregard it and think I should be moving on and getting over it. It's like they're shocked when I say that everyday is a bad day. Like I'm only allowed to be sad for one day a week or something. When those people come to me with their petty problems like having a bad day at work or those having stupid girlfriend/boyfriend problem, I don't care. I'm allowed to be selfish right now, I'm ALLOWED. I don't need to hear about your silly nonimportant problems. Don't you see that my world have been ripped apart and I too am falling apart at the seams. For those people that are in a relationship or married, you can only begin to imagine what it feels like. But even then, you never understand how your everyday, every minute, every second is forever changed. Especially because it was so sudden and we had so much love in our marriage. I honestly can't think of anyone that loved another person as much as Matthew loved me. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I'm saying it because it's true. Most people didn't get to see the real Matthew, the sweet, silly, gentle, child loving, weird, cheek kissing, rap singing, perfect Matthew. For those that did, you get it. You know that there's no one like him and how amazing he was. I just want people to know that I will never be the same. My support group talks about a new normal. That's what I'm going to be. Not the old normal me, but a new normal. Not better or worse. Just new. There are so many questions I have that will never be answered, I feel so much regret, anger, sadness, fear, emptiness. Every single emotion out there, I feel it. So when those bad moments come, and they come often, just know that they will pass. But in the process, just let it happen. I know there is a social stigma related to young widows. Will I ever be loved again? What do people think of me? What do they say about me? I know no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did. I know that. I guess I just want people to try to grasp what I'm going through and even though you can't relate or begin to understand, just know that there's nothing harder. So be nice to me. Most everyone is, this isn't directed at anyone. Just putting it out there for when it happens. When I flip out, be nice. When I cry, be nice. When I get angry for no reason, be nice. When I forget something or forget to do something, be nice. I would never wish this loss on anyone in the world. Just give me my time and let me try to heal in my own way. Don't rush me or assume that because I smile, I'm over it and healed. Think of me everyday and how much pain I'm in. Just try to get it.

You haven't seen the last of me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/cher-you-havent-seen-the-last-of-me-lyrics.html

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But i’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

3 months

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.” -the notebook

A lot has happened since my last entry. I was given the death certificate and found out the cause. It was perhaps the 3rd hardest day I've ever had. The first was the day you left me, the second was the day we celebrated you and now this. I never imagined it was this. I have so many feelings- anger, sadness, hopelessness. So many questions that will never be answered. I want to know how, why, how long, why, why, why. I have since discovered that there you had to have been tricked into something you didn't know was happening. I know you aren't stupid. I'm so thankful my hopes were believed that it was an accident. But then, does that really make it any better? To know that when you woke up, you were in Heaven thinking "what the hell just happened, where's Mel". And having to look down on me falling apart. 

I've started going to a support group with Angela every Tuesday. It's amazing how much better I feel afterwards. To be with people who have also lost the love of their life is very comforting for me. We talk about the many emotions we are going through. From anger, sadness, regret, being pissed at the world, selfishness, hurt, everything. I regret so many things with you. I regret that I wasn't firmer with your addiction healing and going to your meeting. I regret things I said to you on our last day. I regret not traveling more with you. I regret not having the same schedules and being able to spend every second together. I regret being so blind the past year about your addiction and not seeing what was right in front of me. I regret not telling you every single second of every minute how much I love you and how you are the love of my life and the reason for my existence in life. 

Saturday was 3 months. We all went to Granny's for her 80's birthday. It was a really great party. I always love being with your family, they're all so amazing. Isabel is pregnant again and everyone kept talking about grandchildren and how they can't wait for Mimi and Matt to have kids. I just felt so alone and out of place. That should have been you and I. There are many days that I wish I had gotten pregnant only to have that piece of you remaining to hold on to forever. But I can't imagine how much harder this would be to go through knowing I was having a child without you here with me. I know everything happens for a reason, I just think it's really fucked up sometimes. Saturday afternoon was not so great. I layed on all of your clothes and hysterically cried and screamed. That night got better. Brady, Cory, Jay, Katie, Steph, and Liz came over. I always feel better when I'm with all of them. We looked at all of my yearbooks and looked at your Kindergarten picture. You were so cute! Writing to you has also made me feel a lot better. I feel like you're right here reading along as I write. I know you can hear what I'm saying. 

I had a pretty bad day today. I got some bad news from the life insurance and wanted to leave work early and Aimee was kind of mean to me about it. Like I really needed her to be mean when I was obviously having a really horrible day. I talked to my friend David tonight and he made me feel better. I don't know if you knew him. We've been talking for the past 2 months. He's been really great and always makes me feel happier after we talk. I was hoping to hang out with Brady but Brantley is in town and the family went out tonight. It's ok though, someone always helps me through when I start to get really down. I just wish you were here. Forever.

Come Sail Away

I want to call you everyday. Many times during the day as we used to. I don't think we ever went more than a few hours without calling each other. I heard on the radio that a new Friday movie is coming out. That was the first time that I realllly wanted to tell you something. As lame as that sounds. I just knew how excited you would be to hear that. I promise you I will see it. We went to the mountains this weekend. I so wish you were there. It was such a great getaway to be able to just spend time with everyone and relax. Cory and I had a really good talk Friday night. We talked about you and how much we love and miss you. Just to be able to share that with someone is so comforting. Of course I have had many talks like that with Brady. I know you would be proud of them watching over me like they are. It really makes you see who your true friends are. I don't have to be anyone else around them. I can completely be myself. I can get mad or I can cry and they are there for me. I think half of our talk was me just crying and Cory hugging me. Sometimes that means more than words.

I've really been pondering the meaning of life and thinking about what is really important. I want to see all that I can and not waste any time. You and I always had such great ideas and plans. I only wish we would have acted on them sooner. I know you would be proud of me for wanting to carry on and live the best life I can live. Everybody says I should go talk to a counselor to deal with my feelings and my sadness. But in my own way this is my therapy. It's a way that I can get out my feelings, talk to you, and help myself move on all at once. Not that I will ever move on or get over you. But I know that one day I will come to terms with what happened and surround myself with our thousands of memories. I'm so scared to begin again. I'm so afraid of what people are going to say when I do begin again. What is the time limit? How long do I wait for it to be socially acceptable in their eyes for me to want to try to be with someone else. I know you would tell me "Fuck what people say!" I was telling Cory about when we went to Southpark a few months ago and you just wanted to wear your white tank top and jeans. I kept telling you to put on a jacket and you thought I was so lame for worrying about what other people would think. That's my favorite thing about you. You never cared what anyone thought. You were you 100% of the time. No impressing people, no sucking up, no changing. You were Matthew. Brady says that all the time. How irreplaceable you are and how unique you are. This weekend all the girls were talking about how immature and stupid those boys can be sometimes about not counting in our feelings or what we think. I just kept thinking how you would never disappoint us or do something that you knew would hurt our feelings. It makes me happy that I had my time with someone so amazing. I know you are watching over me and will make sure that I'm ok in everything I do. I know we weren't the most religious people, but I know 100% that you are in Heaven and you are watching out for me. Always my protector.

Trying to begin again

I've been spending a lot of time with all of my high school friends. It's comforting being around people who knew me before you. Not that I'm saying I don't want them to think of  you, as I do every 2 seconds. It's just nice to have memories with people who have known me for so long. Most of them for almost 16 years. I just think that's so crazy. How lucky am I to have people I have known for that many years and can still call them friends. I know no one will ever love me like you do. I say do, because I know you still love me, even up in the sky as Logan says. He asks about you every once in a while. He wants to know if I talk to you and why you are in the sky with Casey. I know you are up there rocking with nana and 2pac. Singing Thugs Mansion. I made homemade chocolate pudding yesterday and left a note for mom saying so. I wrote puddin instead of pudding. It made me smile. Sometimes I can't feel you next to me as I so hope you are. I don't like it when I can't feel you. When I'm alone and sad, it seems like I can't feel you holding my hand. But then there are other times when I know you are right beside me. You still protect me and make me feel safe. I think that you were meant to be my angel more than my husband. You are the love of my life and no one will ever replace you. They will just have to deal with being number 2 in my life. I'm going to the mountains this weekend with the group. I wish you could come. You would be having so much fun going out with us lately. I know you are the reason that I reconnected with them. I mean that in a good way! I wouldn't be so close with Brady, Katie, Stephanie, Lizzie and John again if you weren't such an amazing angel. I know you want me to be happy and still live the life we wanted. I know you want me to find love and marriage and have babies. I'm heartbroken you aren't the one that I will be doing it all with. But I'm so lucky to be the one you spent the rest of your life with. I guess all those times I called you my angel, it really meant something.

2 months

I can't believe it's been 2 months. 2 months since I heard you say I love you, 2 months since we kissed and hugged, 2 months since we had it all, and 2 months since my world was suddenly forever changed. That last day just plays on repeat in my head. Coming home with Angela and you were getting ready for work. You were upset because your ezcema was so bad. I told you it wasn't all that bad, kissed you, told you I love you and said I'd call you later.

There are others like me

I just found this online and it made my heart sink with sadness..

"Have I told you my husband died? 
I must have. 
I tell everyone. 
I tell them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows. 
I say it to get it out of the way. 
To avoid it coming up awkwardly later.
I also say it so people don't think I'm a 36 year old single mother of four teenages.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
And, by the way, I guess I am a 36 year old single mother of four teenagers. 
I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.
He died and left them fatherless.
He died and left me husbandless.
He's gone.
Never coming back.
Me, two girls, two boys.
We were six.
Now we're five.
I don't like odd numbers.
I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.
Where do we go from here?
How do we start over?
Star over???
It's creeping up on the whopper two year mark.
Two years.
I've been with him since a month before my 18th birthday.
I've been without him for almost 21 months.
Damn him for leaving us.
I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.
That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.
I almost cried in front of my boss today.
She asked me something about him.
I think I hid it well.
I think.
He is engrained in my inner being.
Not my 'soul'...I don't believe in souls.
He is a part of me.
He is a part of us.
Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'
It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?"