Come Sail Away

I want to call you everyday. Many times during the day as we used to. I don't think we ever went more than a few hours without calling each other. I heard on the radio that a new Friday movie is coming out. That was the first time that I realllly wanted to tell you something. As lame as that sounds. I just knew how excited you would be to hear that. I promise you I will see it. We went to the mountains this weekend. I so wish you were there. It was such a great getaway to be able to just spend time with everyone and relax. Cory and I had a really good talk Friday night. We talked about you and how much we love and miss you. Just to be able to share that with someone is so comforting. Of course I have had many talks like that with Brady. I know you would be proud of them watching over me like they are. It really makes you see who your true friends are. I don't have to be anyone else around them. I can completely be myself. I can get mad or I can cry and they are there for me. I think half of our talk was me just crying and Cory hugging me. Sometimes that means more than words.

I've really been pondering the meaning of life and thinking about what is really important. I want to see all that I can and not waste any time. You and I always had such great ideas and plans. I only wish we would have acted on them sooner. I know you would be proud of me for wanting to carry on and live the best life I can live. Everybody says I should go talk to a counselor to deal with my feelings and my sadness. But in my own way this is my therapy. It's a way that I can get out my feelings, talk to you, and help myself move on all at once. Not that I will ever move on or get over you. But I know that one day I will come to terms with what happened and surround myself with our thousands of memories. I'm so scared to begin again. I'm so afraid of what people are going to say when I do begin again. What is the time limit? How long do I wait for it to be socially acceptable in their eyes for me to want to try to be with someone else. I know you would tell me "Fuck what people say!" I was telling Cory about when we went to Southpark a few months ago and you just wanted to wear your white tank top and jeans. I kept telling you to put on a jacket and you thought I was so lame for worrying about what other people would think. That's my favorite thing about you. You never cared what anyone thought. You were you 100% of the time. No impressing people, no sucking up, no changing. You were Matthew. Brady says that all the time. How irreplaceable you are and how unique you are. This weekend all the girls were talking about how immature and stupid those boys can be sometimes about not counting in our feelings or what we think. I just kept thinking how you would never disappoint us or do something that you knew would hurt our feelings. It makes me happy that I had my time with someone so amazing. I know you are watching over me and will make sure that I'm ok in everything I do. I know we weren't the most religious people, but I know 100% that you are in Heaven and you are watching out for me. Always my protector.

Trying to begin again

I've been spending a lot of time with all of my high school friends. It's comforting being around people who knew me before you. Not that I'm saying I don't want them to think of  you, as I do every 2 seconds. It's just nice to have memories with people who have known me for so long. Most of them for almost 16 years. I just think that's so crazy. How lucky am I to have people I have known for that many years and can still call them friends. I know no one will ever love me like you do. I say do, because I know you still love me, even up in the sky as Logan says. He asks about you every once in a while. He wants to know if I talk to you and why you are in the sky with Casey. I know you are up there rocking with nana and 2pac. Singing Thugs Mansion. I made homemade chocolate pudding yesterday and left a note for mom saying so. I wrote puddin instead of pudding. It made me smile. Sometimes I can't feel you next to me as I so hope you are. I don't like it when I can't feel you. When I'm alone and sad, it seems like I can't feel you holding my hand. But then there are other times when I know you are right beside me. You still protect me and make me feel safe. I think that you were meant to be my angel more than my husband. You are the love of my life and no one will ever replace you. They will just have to deal with being number 2 in my life. I'm going to the mountains this weekend with the group. I wish you could come. You would be having so much fun going out with us lately. I know you are the reason that I reconnected with them. I mean that in a good way! I wouldn't be so close with Brady, Katie, Stephanie, Lizzie and John again if you weren't such an amazing angel. I know you want me to be happy and still live the life we wanted. I know you want me to find love and marriage and have babies. I'm heartbroken you aren't the one that I will be doing it all with. But I'm so lucky to be the one you spent the rest of your life with. I guess all those times I called you my angel, it really meant something.

2 months

I can't believe it's been 2 months. 2 months since I heard you say I love you, 2 months since we kissed and hugged, 2 months since we had it all, and 2 months since my world was suddenly forever changed. That last day just plays on repeat in my head. Coming home with Angela and you were getting ready for work. You were upset because your ezcema was so bad. I told you it wasn't all that bad, kissed you, told you I love you and said I'd call you later.

There are others like me

I just found this online and it made my heart sink with sadness..

"Have I told you my husband died? 
I must have. 
I tell everyone. 
I tell them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows. 
I say it to get it out of the way. 
To avoid it coming up awkwardly later.
I also say it so people don't think I'm a 36 year old single mother of four teenages.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
And, by the way, I guess I am a 36 year old single mother of four teenagers. 
I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.
He died and left them fatherless.
He died and left me husbandless.
He's gone.
Never coming back.
Me, two girls, two boys.
We were six.
Now we're five.
I don't like odd numbers.
I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.
Where do we go from here?
How do we start over?
Star over???
It's creeping up on the whopper two year mark.
Two years.
I've been with him since a month before my 18th birthday.
I've been without him for almost 21 months.
Damn him for leaving us.
I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.
That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.
I almost cried in front of my boss today.
She asked me something about him.
I think I hid it well.
I think.
He is engrained in my inner being.
Not my 'soul'...I don't believe in souls.
He is a part of me.
He is a part of us.
Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'
It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?"

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a *queen*
But if I'd only known how the *queen* would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Never sure

I know that a part of me will always hold back if I ever am with someone else. I know that no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did (I know he still does). That makes me happy but also a little sad. Our love was perfect and I'm so afraid I will never be able to completely be with someone else because of this. It wasn't a divorce, it wasn't meant to happen. It's not like one day he stopped loving me and left me. He couldn't have loved me anymore. I just hope that someday someone new will be able to understand this. Understand that they will always be my second most perfect love. Matthew will always be my true love and my soulmate. So know I just have to find someone who I can love 2nd most in the world.
I divide my life into three chapters so far. Well actually 4. The first being my childhood; this includes all school up until college. My second chapter is my two and a half years with Tripp. My third chapter is my 5 and a half years with Matthew. I am now entering the 4th chapter of my life. A lot else has happened, but it tends to fall into one of these 4 chapters. These are the big ones in my life. Of course this 4th one is the hardest so far. There have been some happy times so far. I have really enjoyed being with my old friends and making new ones. But there is also still a lot of heartache and sadness. I just hope it continues to get a little easier everyday and a little less sad. I'm hopeful about certain aspects of my life and look forward to when I'm hopeful about every aspect.

Alone

I miss you so much I can't even breathe. I don't know what to do without you. Everything I do just seems so wrong and empty because you aren't here. I miss your voice, your smile, how you would pinch my cheeks and cup my face. I miss your arms holding me and your voice telling me that you love me. I feel so lost without you. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be here where you aren't. I want you back here so badly. I want to have my husband back, I want to have kids with you and grow old with you. I don't know how to do anything without you. I'm lost in this world, because the only world I belong in is yours. You are my world and my soulmate and I am just not me without you. You understood me better than anyone and you knew the real me without me having to say a word, you just knew. I can't do this without you. I just want you here. I'm so angry that you were taken away. It wasn't meant to happen like that. I miss calling you and telling you about my day and seeing you when I get home. I miss your crazy rapping and your loud music. I miss hearing your car from a mile away coming home. I miss you so much puddin. I'm just not the same if you aren't here with me.