You put your arms around me and I'm home

So much is going on right now. I have felt so restless with several aspects of my life and something big just happened that I think might just be what I am looking for. It's been a really long time since I was this happy in a relationship. I know that sounds horrible, but I mean it in the sense that I am not worried about anything. There isn't anything about him that worries me for the future or if he is "stable" or overcoming struggles of his own. There is a certain feeling of safety and comfort in that. It's very stress free. Which is nice. We have come so far since meeting, I feel like it's been so long. Not more than a few hours go by everyday that we don't talk- not text, but actually talk on the phone. We do that for at least 2 or 3 hours everyday, which sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it's awesome. I never thought I would fall in love so hard and fast and real. It's not just the excitement of it all. We are so similar. It seems like everything I say I like or don't like, he is the exact same. Except for food of course:) We have the same type of upbringing and the same future goals and wants in life. I could talk about him all day long! The way he talks to me, tells me how he feels, even how he holds me makes me know it's the real thing. Its like when we hug we can't get close enough, it's a real hug, not just a "I feel obligated to hug you, so here it is". It really makes me understand all those crazy people who have been caught up in whirlwind romances, who love each other so much after such a short time period. I get it. I really get it now. I guess since we do talk a whole lot, it does make more sense. I know most people who start dating, probably talk a few times a week. Not for hours everyday. I just want to be with him all the time, I would go anywhere and do anything for him. I feel like I have been through so much, that this is my happy ending. And with everything that is up in the air right now, I am really excited and hopeful that it goes as planned and that people will understand and be excited. Life is about taking chances, especially when it comes to love. And like Bella says in my favorite Twilight quote- "I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." That I am:)

SMR

Matthew- so much has happened in the past 2 and a half months since I last wrote. I have come to accept that you are gone and not coming back. I have begun to realize that there are things in this world that you simply cannot control or understand. I guess in a way some things are just meant to happen, no matter how much they hurt us. There is always a new day to follow that will hopefully get a little brighter and brighter. I still have many days where I break down and cry and cry and cry. I still miss you everyday, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you and that you are watching over me and always being my protector. I read a book about a little boy who went to Heaven for 3 minutes and could describe it all. I watched a few videos on similar occurances too. Things like this give me faith that you are okay. Your birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I am very much not looking forward to this day. And then of course my birthday is a couple weeks after that.

On a different note- I think I found him. Matthew, I am terrified. I never thought that someone would feel this way about me or that I would feel this way about someone other than you. That is the main thing I have struggled with. The fact that you were so crazy about me and scared I wouldn't have that again. But I do. I do, and it terrifies me. I'm scared that I feel this way, I'm scared that means you and I weren't unique, I just don't know what it all means. I just want to sit and cry because I am so happy, yet so scared and saddened. He is so similar to you in how he talks to me and treats me. I think you two could have been good friends and that makes me happy. I think this is it.

Turning Page

Today is not a good day. Megan is being quite cranky, and she's beginning to hit. She actually punched me in the face yesterday. Not cool. There are so many things that I want to tell you. I'm beginning to realize just how incredible you were. Not that I didn't before, but I guess I'm just learning from new experiences how one of a kind you were. Even though your constant attention on me bugged me sometimes, I know now that not everyone is like that. I treasure that you were so loving and vocal about it. What a lot of people don't realize is that I didn't only lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We really were one of those couples who were best friends. I miss just being able to talk to you about everything and anything.

I really do miss you, every day, every second.

"If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
I would have know, what I was living for all along,
What I've been living for"

Goodbye My Lover

I will always love you, no matter how hard you to tried to shut me out. I know it's not your fault. M&M

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

lies

I feel like I'm starting to lose my faith in people. When I thought you taught me about honesty, I have learned you taught me about secrecy and how to lie. I'm finding it very hard to want to trust someone again at the fear they will lie to me like you did. How am I supposed to know what's the truth? I just want to push everyone away right now. I'm not ready to open up. I feel too betrayed.

Fearless

Well, it's been a month since I last wrote anything. Matthew, you know that doesn't mean I think about you any less or feel heartbroken any less. I guess I'm just trying to get things back on track. I finally feel like I'm making good progress in this situation. I'm enjoying my life around me. I love having all of my friends back, and getting even closer to Mimi. It makes me really happy that she and Angela have become good friends too. I have an amazing family/puppies, awesome friends, a perfect job, and a house that I love. With all the heartache I've had to endure, I now realize just how lucky I really am. What we had was perfect and beautiful. I will forever love you and cannot wait until the day when I see you again. But I know I have to keep going on. I have to keep my head up and carry on. Just like Tupac taught me. I want you to know that I'm ok. I will continue to be ok. And most of all, that I love you. And that's the truth.

Dear World

Dear World,
I want you all to understand that what I'm going through is not something that should be overlooked or thought carelessly of. You cannot imagine the amount of sadness and fear that I feel every single day. Even on the days that I smile and seem ok, Matthew is always there as my main thought. I think I've just become really good at acting like I'm fine. There is no amount of words, hugs, books, shared tears, or anything else that will make me feel better or make me feel like I can really go on without him. I know it's easy to say "oh you're young, you will be ok". Words are so easy. I want to punch those people in the face who say meaningless stuff like that. Because they just don't get it. There have been so many amazing people that have tried with all they have to make me feel better, and I do greatly appreciate them. But then there are those who disregard it and think I should be moving on and getting over it. It's like they're shocked when I say that everyday is a bad day. Like I'm only allowed to be sad for one day a week or something. When those people come to me with their petty problems like having a bad day at work or those having stupid girlfriend/boyfriend problem, I don't care. I'm allowed to be selfish right now, I'm ALLOWED. I don't need to hear about your silly nonimportant problems. Don't you see that my world have been ripped apart and I too am falling apart at the seams. For those people that are in a relationship or married, you can only begin to imagine what it feels like. But even then, you never understand how your everyday, every minute, every second is forever changed. Especially because it was so sudden and we had so much love in our marriage. I honestly can't think of anyone that loved another person as much as Matthew loved me. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I'm saying it because it's true. Most people didn't get to see the real Matthew, the sweet, silly, gentle, child loving, weird, cheek kissing, rap singing, perfect Matthew. For those that did, you get it. You know that there's no one like him and how amazing he was. I just want people to know that I will never be the same. My support group talks about a new normal. That's what I'm going to be. Not the old normal me, but a new normal. Not better or worse. Just new. There are so many questions I have that will never be answered, I feel so much regret, anger, sadness, fear, emptiness. Every single emotion out there, I feel it. So when those bad moments come, and they come often, just know that they will pass. But in the process, just let it happen. I know there is a social stigma related to young widows. Will I ever be loved again? What do people think of me? What do they say about me? I know no one will ever love me as much as Matthew did. I know that. I guess I just want people to try to grasp what I'm going through and even though you can't relate or begin to understand, just know that there's nothing harder. So be nice to me. Most everyone is, this isn't directed at anyone. Just putting it out there for when it happens. When I flip out, be nice. When I cry, be nice. When I get angry for no reason, be nice. When I forget something or forget to do something, be nice. I would never wish this loss on anyone in the world. Just give me my time and let me try to heal in my own way. Don't rush me or assume that because I smile, I'm over it and healed. Think of me everyday and how much pain I'm in. Just try to get it.