Defying Gravity

Well here I am, 8.5 months later and I am still alive. Alive and happy. There is so much going on in life right now I feel like I can't even stop to take a breath. Shane got a great job opportunity in New Jersey and moved there about a month ago. I will be moving there to join him at the end of the year. I have so much excitement but am also scared to death. I have been in the Fort Mill area since I was 8 years old. 20 years. My whole life revolves around Fort Mill. To some that may sound horribly boring, but I am one of those that absolutely loves it here. I love the Fort Mill family that has existed and only grown over the years. Maybe I should start with how excited I am to be moving. Okay, well not really about moving, but about being able to be with Shane and actually have a full on, everyday, in person relationship. The thought of getting to see him everyday makes me so giddy and happy inside, my little heart just overflows. I would never be able to sum up how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. This is it. I just know it. I wish everyone could find someone as amazing as he is. I am so very and truly lucky to have found him.

But yes, I am terrified to be leaving Fort Mill and all that goes with it. Not having my family so close and not being with Logan and Megan everyday pretty much breaks my heart. The thought of leaving my two "kids", is something I don't think I will ever be okay with. I am so afraid of what Logan is going to think when I am gone. "Why did she leave us?", "Did I do something to make her leave?", "Does she still love us?". These are the questions that break my heart to think about. Not being here everyday to see them grow up and change, not being able to spend Christmas with them, and not being able to know that no matter how bad of a day I may be having, I can always count on them to get a running start and give me the biggest hug ever, knocking me over. I break down just thinking of it. How will I go without being able to see my mom and Angela everyday? Not being able to call one of them up and go to Target or Kohls. Not going grocery shopping every Sunday with Angela, not having lunch every week with mom. Not having the two people who know me best and love me the most right around the corner. I don't know how I will do without them. Then of course there is the fact of leaving Daniel. Someone who was brought into my life as a brother in law, but will always remain a best friend and also a true brother. There are so many times in my life that he has been there for me, without me having to ask, he just knows what to do and does it. He is the greatest man I know and I am so proud of who he has become. He is there for me regardless of anything, he would do anything for me and I for him. I feel like just when everything was getting back to normal with dad, Linda and Jackson being here, I am the one leaving. I am so grateful that our relationships have grown and that we are all so close. I couldn't ask for a better step mom (or step dad in Jim), and it hurts me so much that I will be missing out on Jackson.

I make it sound like I am leaving forever to a foreign country! I know I am not, I just am so used to having all I need right at my fingertips and now that I am leaving it all, I just really want to embrace it while I can.

Matthew- there are some days where I think of you and smile so much because of some silly memory I have thought out. Then there are still those days where I hear a song, see a movie, or pretty much anything that reminds me of you and I just lose it. I miss you so much my angel. But I know that you are watching me and are so proud of me and happy for me. That's all you ever told me you wanted, was just for me to smile and be happy. Well puddin, I am. I really am.

You put your arms around me and I'm home

So much is going on right now. I have felt so restless with several aspects of my life and something big just happened that I think might just be what I am looking for. It's been a really long time since I was this happy in a relationship. I know that sounds horrible, but I mean it in the sense that I am not worried about anything. There isn't anything about him that worries me for the future or if he is "stable" or overcoming struggles of his own. There is a certain feeling of safety and comfort in that. It's very stress free. Which is nice. We have come so far since meeting, I feel like it's been so long. Not more than a few hours go by everyday that we don't talk- not text, but actually talk on the phone. We do that for at least 2 or 3 hours everyday, which sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it's awesome. I never thought I would fall in love so hard and fast and real. It's not just the excitement of it all. We are so similar. It seems like everything I say I like or don't like, he is the exact same. Except for food of course:) We have the same type of upbringing and the same future goals and wants in life. I could talk about him all day long! The way he talks to me, tells me how he feels, even how he holds me makes me know it's the real thing. Its like when we hug we can't get close enough, it's a real hug, not just a "I feel obligated to hug you, so here it is". It really makes me understand all those crazy people who have been caught up in whirlwind romances, who love each other so much after such a short time period. I get it. I really get it now. I guess since we do talk a whole lot, it does make more sense. I know most people who start dating, probably talk a few times a week. Not for hours everyday. I just want to be with him all the time, I would go anywhere and do anything for him. I feel like I have been through so much, that this is my happy ending. And with everything that is up in the air right now, I am really excited and hopeful that it goes as planned and that people will understand and be excited. Life is about taking chances, especially when it comes to love. And like Bella says in my favorite Twilight quote- "I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." That I am:)

SMR

Matthew- so much has happened in the past 2 and a half months since I last wrote. I have come to accept that you are gone and not coming back. I have begun to realize that there are things in this world that you simply cannot control or understand. I guess in a way some things are just meant to happen, no matter how much they hurt us. There is always a new day to follow that will hopefully get a little brighter and brighter. I still have many days where I break down and cry and cry and cry. I still miss you everyday, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you and that you are watching over me and always being my protector. I read a book about a little boy who went to Heaven for 3 minutes and could describe it all. I watched a few videos on similar occurances too. Things like this give me faith that you are okay. Your birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I am very much not looking forward to this day. And then of course my birthday is a couple weeks after that.

On a different note- I think I found him. Matthew, I am terrified. I never thought that someone would feel this way about me or that I would feel this way about someone other than you. That is the main thing I have struggled with. The fact that you were so crazy about me and scared I wouldn't have that again. But I do. I do, and it terrifies me. I'm scared that I feel this way, I'm scared that means you and I weren't unique, I just don't know what it all means. I just want to sit and cry because I am so happy, yet so scared and saddened. He is so similar to you in how he talks to me and treats me. I think you two could have been good friends and that makes me happy. I think this is it.

Turning Page

Today is not a good day. Megan is being quite cranky, and she's beginning to hit. She actually punched me in the face yesterday. Not cool. There are so many things that I want to tell you. I'm beginning to realize just how incredible you were. Not that I didn't before, but I guess I'm just learning from new experiences how one of a kind you were. Even though your constant attention on me bugged me sometimes, I know now that not everyone is like that. I treasure that you were so loving and vocal about it. What a lot of people don't realize is that I didn't only lose my husband, but I also lost my best friend. We really were one of those couples who were best friends. I miss just being able to talk to you about everything and anything.

I really do miss you, every day, every second.

"If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
I would have know, what I was living for all along,
What I've been living for"

Goodbye My Lover

I will always love you, no matter how hard you to tried to shut me out. I know it's not your fault. M&M

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

lies

I feel like I'm starting to lose my faith in people. When I thought you taught me about honesty, I have learned you taught me about secrecy and how to lie. I'm finding it very hard to want to trust someone again at the fear they will lie to me like you did. How am I supposed to know what's the truth? I just want to push everyone away right now. I'm not ready to open up. I feel too betrayed.

Fearless

Well, it's been a month since I last wrote anything. Matthew, you know that doesn't mean I think about you any less or feel heartbroken any less. I guess I'm just trying to get things back on track. I finally feel like I'm making good progress in this situation. I'm enjoying my life around me. I love having all of my friends back, and getting even closer to Mimi. It makes me really happy that she and Angela have become good friends too. I have an amazing family/puppies, awesome friends, a perfect job, and a house that I love. With all the heartache I've had to endure, I now realize just how lucky I really am. What we had was perfect and beautiful. I will forever love you and cannot wait until the day when I see you again. But I know I have to keep going on. I have to keep my head up and carry on. Just like Tupac taught me. I want you to know that I'm ok. I will continue to be ok. And most of all, that I love you. And that's the truth.